Just one need

Being a missionary (read ex-pat, anyone living across cultures) can be a lonely business.

As we leave our home culture and dive head long into a new foreign culture we leave many of our safety nets behind. Some of these nets can be found in this new culture, others cannot. Some can be found in the small ‘ex-pat community’ that inevitably exists in any reasonably sized town, others cannot.

Good friends, a community of people who you can share your joy, your despair, your hopes and your fears with, are the hardest things to find.

Yes if you want a network of people who you know, who you can ask for help or advice and who know the practicalities of your life, then this is possible. However I believe there is something deep inside of us that needs more than this. This need varies from person to person, from character to character, but I would argue this need is there in all people somewhere.

I was reminded the other day of the individuality of music, and how each person likes what they like for no particular rational reason other than ‘I like it, it sounds nice.’ How no two people anywhere in the world would ever like exactly the same kinds of music. We all listen out for different things, we all like different things about the same pieces of music. And so, I believe, it is with friends. We cannot say why we get on better with one person and not with another. Why do we ‘click’ with this person? Why can I tell them everything about myself when I can’t with these other people?

So as you look for this particular ‘net’ in this foreign culture you realise this is one of the hardest ones to find. One of the most important ones but at the same time one of the most difficult to find. Obviously you may be lucky and find that person in the ‘ex-pat community’, or you may connect with a national (although there are so many other factors that reduce the chances of this), however often you will not. What then? What then when you feel like you are drowning in that big pool which you only just dived into?

I guess there are three options. One, you begin to get used to this kind of life. You become less reliant on people, you learn to live within the relationships you have. Perhaps you put more expectations on the people you do have, or otherwise you remove all expectations completely. Or two, you keep trying, you keep pushing. Pursuing those friendships you do have, trying to go deeper, or always looking out for potential new relationships. Reaching out, putting yourself out there. This latter is especially hard for Brits, going against the cultural norm of ‘not invading others personal spaces unless a suitable social environment is present’. Or thirdly, you can’t cope and you go home. This is a very real option for some people.

So, I guess it then comes down to this one question: How much do you want it? What are you willing to risk? What really matters to you?